My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
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[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
s
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I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*