If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
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The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.