sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
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M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Wait a second…
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together