sin harder.
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I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
They’re not wrong
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.