Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
You Might Also Like
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Best table by far
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
*frowns in Scottish*
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.