Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
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Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
going to the ER y’all need anything
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
he was correct
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
The booster protects against what, now?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché