Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
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Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
✌🏽
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”