I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
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everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
live, laugh, laundry.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.