me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
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Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.