Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
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– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
“HELP WITH CAT”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.