Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
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Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
It’s the weekend y’all
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”