My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
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Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*