Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
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ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
The funk soul brother
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I like donuts.
Twitter:
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I get distracted pretty eas
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.