Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
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I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Cause of death: Zumba
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu