If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
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*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?