Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
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Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML