Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
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Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen