I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
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*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Tremendous stuff
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.