The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
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do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place