“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
This meal prepping shit easy
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.