God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
You Might Also Like
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I feel attacked.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.