If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
You Might Also Like
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.