Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
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Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*