“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
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governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Check your privilege
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Always a metermaid never a meter
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.