I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
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What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Wait a minute
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
File under excellent bookstore names.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends