When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
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ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Not messing around
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.