[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
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doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
🙂🐾
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.