Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
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Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.