I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
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I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.