Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
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Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
the answer was staring at me all along
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.