My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
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Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
A fake ID that makes you younger