Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
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me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
two people or more is called a problem
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
it’s finally my moment to shine
the prophecy has been fulfilled
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees