Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
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me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do