Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Its true…
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.