Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Rambo Rambow
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
not seeing the problem
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.