Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Bring back the McRib
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?