Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
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[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
bout dat hot dog summer
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.