a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
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Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
May have had one breakfast too many
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again