When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
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[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
this will hang in the louvre one day
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Me trying to look natural in photos
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.