ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
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I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
#dnd #ttrpg
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Always
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Netflix: We have Less
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Thanks to a fan for this one.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.