My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
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New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?