you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
You Might Also Like
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!