My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
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1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
SCARY COSTUME
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”