1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
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Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.