I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
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Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
HELP 😭
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Festive toon…
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
this is literally a CIA plant
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.