Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
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wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
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Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.