Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
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I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
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If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
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“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.