If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
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couldn’t resist
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Birds & Planes.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I’m sure it’s fine.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly