You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
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The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
🙄😏😂🤣
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
You are what you delete.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.