My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
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Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight