Eggs benadryl my favourite
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Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches