I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
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My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
*sewing*
A thread
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
checking out some reviews of my local library
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.