I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
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A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
A wise man once said nothing.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??