@RandiLawson

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

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@MrGeorgeWallace

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

@markedly

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

@GeorgePointon_

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

@cschleichsrun

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

@noog

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

@PLATINUM2000

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

@

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

@liz_buckley

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

@KDonhoops

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”